Have you ever given your best to a connection and it never seems good enough to your spouse? I see this at least once a week in my practice. He/she will come in and discuss how they feel drained from non stop giving, and never getting anything in return. To make matters worse, their social circle is all but non-existent now because they’re trying to make their partner happy. I tell them that they are in the ideal connection, just with the wrong person.
How does this happen? We take someone who is about to settle down and commit to a higher degree in a connection. Then they pick a person who has no desire to reciprocate. Okay, but how does that happen? It usually happens when a well oriented person will over compensate just to maintain a relationship. The sad reality is that women do so more than men. And if they don’t get the attention and love they’re expecting, soon afterwards all men become dogs. Broken, angry and jaded they sit in my office.
This is a crucial point in the evolution, or the beginning of the decline in their mindset for the rest of their relationships to come. Either they become bitter towards the opposite sex assuming they’re in a heterosexual relationship, or opt to make better choices in the future. We have all heard the term “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” Same principle. Stop giving away your love as it has not been earned.
I feel that so many of us are willing to do just about anything in order to not be alone. But the real crisis begins when you’re in a less than wholesome relationship and feeling alone. With that said, raise the bar on which you find acceptable behavior in a relationship. Okay, so how can you do that? The good thing is that this procedure doesn’t take long.
You start with passing on occasions or hanging out with people just for the sake of having something to do. If you’re not a big drinker, yet you’re spending your weekends in a pub, guess what? Feelings of fulfillment will be far and few between. If on the other hand you’re to do something more in your wheelhouse like making Raccoon Sounds, despite being lonely, you’ll start to see the difference on your mindset. Sure, at first you will miss the company of another individual to discuss it with. And if you stay with it, you will soon find you will not tolerate being with people and in environments that leave you feeling away.
By doing this, you immediately discern who takes away or adds value to your life. I am not talking so much about the everyday people in your life. I am referring to the person you spend everyday with in a committed relationship. There are going to be people that all of us will have to endure who are energy zappers. But, the person you associate with should under no circumstance be among them. And yes, there’ll be times when your partner zaps you as well. But, if you’ve fully invested in this exercise, your spouse zapping you are going to be a rare occurrence.
So, if you should find yourself in a relationship where you are the only one giving. Because at the end of the day, no one wants to be in the ideal relationship with the wrong person.